She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
