why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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