you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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