I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
