how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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