I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
