We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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