I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
