I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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