He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
