Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
