I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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