I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
