I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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