All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
