I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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