im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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