I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
