Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
