Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
