omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
