I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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