By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
