I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
