Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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