so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
