Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
