His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
