I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
