Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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