Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
