Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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