totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
