I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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