I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize