I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
being pregnant is like rehab
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize