Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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