Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
