Four minutes until I can fart!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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