You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
