you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
