News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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