Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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