im holly from the hills drunk
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize