I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
