I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
