You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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