Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
