Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
