high people should be assigned attendants
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
