so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
