If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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