Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I've blown a few things in my day
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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