I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Oh god it's open bar.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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