I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
