Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
