so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
