I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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