ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
