I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
