when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
