it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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