Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
