shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
