get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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