My friends, they love my intelligence
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
