The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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