I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
