Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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