God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just gift wrapped bread.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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