I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize